


Self Discovery..

by Michaelis420



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Car Accidents, Gen, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Human, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Memory Loss, References to Illness, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michaelis420/pseuds/Michaelis420
Summary: Just me venting and using a comfort character as a way of showing my own Self Discovery with it's own..  fictional outtakes to it.Hope you enjoy,~MichaelAlso:No ships..-Human AuJust self discovery..1st person for obvious reasons.Excuse any spelling mistakes.
Kudos: 1





	Self Discovery..

\-------

Lost..

Help... help me..

I am disappearing.

I am losing myself..

My voice, my hands, my eyes..

I'm all by myself..

I feel so helpless.

A sinking despair.

Diving into darkness.

An emptiness.

But it will be okay..

"Relax.. you're safe now." Said a voice. A soft of comforting tone to it as my tense muscles slowly and hesitantly relaxed against the bed sheets.

My head felt woozy as I opened my eyes.

I tried to move, but this body is not mine..

Continuous beeps filled the room, taking me a while to figure it out and realise it was a heart monitor within the eerie silence.

"Whoogh arg yough..?" I tried to speak but something in my mouth restricted me doing so.

"My name is Logan, I'm your nurse, do you remember anything?" He replied as I glanced up at him through bleary eyes.

Nothing comes to mind.

I shake my head.

"Hmm.. memory loss. But don't worry, you'll be fine," he said reassuringly, removing my tubes from my mouth and nose.

"Please wait as I call a doctor." He walked out of the room soon after, leaving me to try and comprehend the interaction.

There's a vase of fresh flowers with a pink sticky note saying; "Get Well Soon! :)" on the table next to me.

There's a file as well.. inside it reads;

Patient Name:  
Roman Prince

Patient Gender:  
Male

Patient Age:  
24

Notes:  
Patient in coma state after car accident, VSS okay. No FX, but may suffer from brain damage.  
New abnormalities found after full examination, TBC.

Side notes:  
Rmb sleeping beauty - lighten md.

Looks like the doctor has a sense of humour..

I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

● ● ●

The doctor walked into the room and picked up the file, skimming over the words. "Hello Roman,"

"How was true loves kiss?" 

He chuckled, shaking his head softly in amusement. "I see you are awake and responsive now. How are you feeling?"

I replied easily, "My body is starting to feel more receptive now!"

"How about emotionally?" The doctor continued, "How do you feel?"

Emotionally..?

"I feel.. lost.."

He nodded softly, quickly jotting it down on one of those pocket notepads, much like one of those cheap therapists would do. No offence, but they never help. "That's okay, we all feel lost sometimes..."

I don't think he actually understands..

"But that's a part of life isn't it?"

I glance up, obviously having had spaced out as I looked over the male beside my bed.

"Anyway, I am doctor Picani, I am here to explain your situation to you. Would you like the good news or the bad news first?"

I pause, going over my choices before lmblurting out the words without much thought. "Bad news."

"Very well.. the bad news is.."

The doctor sighed softly, glancing over the small notepad before continuing.  
"That we are still trying to find cure."

He sighed softly, pushing up his circular glasses. "However, so far we know that it doesn't affect you adversely in any way. Apart from the amnesia of course.."

"The good news.." he cleared his voice softly before continuing. "The good news is that you have a disease named after you...."

He said as the corners of his lips gradually drew down. Trying to sound happy, but being unable to do so.

"So.. in the meantime.."

I glanced up, taking in his appearance, the sun kissed freckles dusted over his naturally flushed cheeks before my eyes fell to his plump lips slowly moving as he spoke. 

Snap out of it..

"Try not to worry too much." He said, almost reading my mind as I hesitantly nodded along to him.

"It may or may not be bad, we will monitor it and handle it as it comes."  
A painful smile, and his eye brows raised.

"So.. once again, try not to worry too much, try to relax.. and do what you can to help us help you."

He walked away, leaving the room with the soft click of the door behind him shutting, careful not to alarm any of the occupants within the room.

● ● ●

So.. my name is Roman... and my future is uncertain..

I feel lost, what should I do now..?

"Hey, what happened to you?" Asked an old man across the room, gaining my attention on an almost instant as I galnced over.

"Apparently.. a car accident, and to top it off... a new disease.." I paused, glancing at my heart monitor on my right before back at the elder.  
"But I don't remember anything else.." I replied.

"Well it looks like you still remember how to reason and speak," joked the old man.  
"Now you get to live life a second time.."

He grinned. A cheeky smile.  
A delightful curve full of interest and curiosity.

"To be able to learn and grow is fun, but unfortunately for me.. I lack the time and energy for that."  
He paused, smile not faltering for a second as he continued.  
"What's more, unlike me, you had visitors while you was unconscious."

"There are people who care about you, you know."  
He gestured towards the vase of fresh flowers. 

"Ah.. look at what I'm doing again, rambling on about my problems to myself."  
He shook his head softly, sparing a smaller smile to me. "I'm sorry, it gets lonely sometimes.."

"But if you feel bored, come talk to me."

"I'd appreciate it.."

What is this feeling..? 

Incapable of remembering anything, yet looking forward to something..

Something about this old man being in a sadder situation, yet in a happier mentality inspired me..

It makes me feel grateful?

I replied, smiling warmly at him as he briefly nodded. "I think I would appreciate if you talked to me as well."

"Thank you.."

Hesitantly, I asked.  
"I feel lost, where do I go from here..? What should I do?"  
The old man pondered upon it for a while before answering,  
"That's something you will have to find out for yourself."

"But here are a few questions to help you get started;  
So.. Roman, what makes you happy?"

"I.. Growth, hope, I think.." I mumbled, not exactly knowing how to answer, though being aware I had to answer.

"And what are your passions? What are you passionate about?"

"I.. music, I'm passionate about music."

"Mhmm.. and, what do you truly value?"

"I.. um- life.. living, just.. curiosity of the world I guess.. its hard to explain.. but my family too,"

"I see, Lastly, what do you want to do in the limited time you have on earth?"

"Be.. be me, be happy to be who I truly am, standing up to those who don't believe in me.."

The simple, but most important questions in life..

He continued, "Usually, these answers come from past experiences, memories even, but here is the interesting part."  
He paused, checking I was listening before he smiled faintly.  
"Because of the changes we go through when we mature with each experience,"

"Our answers to those questions may change as time ages with us."

He gave his signature grin.

Almost like he knew something that I didn't.

"But anyway..."

"The greatest gift we humans have is being able to reason, to learn, to be curious."

"Grow a love for questions and wisdom.."

"And don't worry too much about getting the answers to life!"

"Let nature take it's course, and learn to enjoy the journey."

"Whereever that may take you.."

I smiled, nodding to him in thanks as I paused before responding, making sure I wouldn't be cutting him off as I did so.  
"Thank you, wise old man.."

He laughed, shaking his head softly, the sound happy and bellowing as he smiled at me. "Now that is a title I do not deserve!"

"I have made many mistakes in my life.."

Logan walked in, looking over at me as he sent a soft smile to the elder in apology as he nodded in understanding.

"I'm here for your daily checkup." He said, walking over to my bedside, taking a seat at the chair beside me.  
"How are you feeling today?"

"I feel.. strangely empty.." I replied. 

It was as if I needed to find myself, to find an answer to what I wanted.

"How about something to eat?"  
He suggested caringly, just as my stomach growled in agreement, my cheeks flushing in embarrassment as I heard the old man chuckle softly from the other side of the room, bringing a smile to my face.

It seemed like my stomach was empty like me.

Then an idea dawned on me..

This emptiness I've been feeling, it's.. it's like hunger. 

I hunger for answers, for a sense of purpose and meaning. 

And what do I do when I'm hungry..? 

I eat..

Hunger, desire, motivation. 

This force moves me. It motivates me to want things, to do things.. 

I turned a negative feeling into a motivating one. 

Similarly, for the inevitable negative events that will and does affect us all..

We can sometimes choose to wallow in self pity, or to turn it into a force that motivates us.. even though sometimes we need help for that, and that's okay..

It's okay not to be okay..

"Thank you Logan! You've helped me more than you realise!" I expressed with gratitude.

"Anytime." He smiled, winking softly at me.

● ● ●

Hazy. Misty. Foggy.

I can't see far.

Where should I go..?

Forward.

I knew I was bound to get there if I kept walking forward..

I panted, gulping harshly as my eyes darted around the darkness.

Hmm.. why do I keep moving in this direction..?

Could I be walking in the wrong way..?

No.

Follow my gut instinct..

Alright.

I guess I'll trust my gut instinct.. 

"OVER HERE!"

My head whipped around, at the sound of the voice as I tried to search for the owner of the disembodied voice with my eyes.

Then it just fades.. just like that..

● ● ●

Bright.. The Ray's of morning sunlight.

Now i really wonder, what do I really desire..?

Nothing.

It seems like I want nothing..

I wish for nothing..

Nothing really interests me anymore..

Though I am curious about what happened to the old man..

Maybe..

Just maybe he can enlighten me..

"Hey Logan, where did the old man go?" I asked, glancing over the nurse who had provided me with my morning pain killers.

He looked at me. 

"Gone.."

Puzzled, I asked, "Gone..? Gone where..?"

Hesitation in his eyes as he took a deep breath before continuing.

"He's gone. Forever..."

This first experience hit me, it finally clicking in my mind.

Hit me really hard..

Oh, the fragility of life.

Here and now, I feel a different sensation of lost.

The familiarity of knowing someone, only to lose them so fast...

It's too sudden, I'm unprepared.

I feel terrible.

And powerless.

I didn't even get to know his name..

"It's sad, isn't it?" Logan prompted. 

I only nodded in agreement, too shocked to respond in words as he gave me a look of understanding.

"One thing I've learnt from working in a hospital is the art of letting go.."

"People come and go, but life goes on."

"What lives on is the values and ideas that we loved them for."

"And all we can do is remember them for who they are."

"And at the same time, not let this sorrow overwhelm us.."

Sensible sadness..

A gentle acknowledgment of pain in all of humanity.

I wanted to forget the pain, but what I wanted more was to remember the old man.

The first two desires I had conflicted with each other.

Looks like life will not be so perfect overall..

● ● ●

Unforgiving. Unrelentless.

"GRAAAWWWR!"

What?!

What was that?!

Alright, only one thing to do now.

I will Face it.

Head on.

Not opposing it.

Not avoiding it.

Not ignoring it.

Accepting it. Facing it. Embracing it..

To look Life bravely into the eyes.

The wind on my skin, it was harsh and cold.. 

The adrenaline in my blood, its terrifying..

The wilderness of life, it won't be easy.

● ● ●

The very next day an old lady took the old man's place, the world was moving on.. it kept revolving..

In this ward, it was just me and her now.

"Hey sweetie, are you feeling okay?"  
She asked softly, brows furrowing in worry.

I hesitantly shook my head, sighing softly as I bowed my head lightly. "No.." i replied softly as she frowned, nodding in response.

"Let me comfort you.."

Now the old man was gone, I guess it was her turn to ramble now.

"Emotions.. they are irrational, crazy and hard to understand.. comprehend sometimes.."

"But.. I need them, we all need them..."

What the..? Another mysterious contradiction in life..

"I was just like you when I was younger, I tried running away from them, closing them off, denying them of all pain they brought me.. But.. you and I both know what its like to run away.. it sucks.."

She sighed, shaking her head softly, continuing as i listened, patiently waiting for her to get her words out.

"You know those times when someone is concerned about you and they ask you: 'why aren't you happy?' Well.. I'd always answer 'I'm just not happy.. that's all' and all they do is get angry or hurt afterwards..? Such a simple question with a simple answer but..."

"....they couldn't understand, in fact, they made me feel worse."

"You know what I told myself?"

"I told them; it's okay not to be okay, just for a little while.."

"I learnt that I have to be honest about my feelings, especially to myself.  
And it hurt...  
It really did. I felt terrible..."

"But I still promise myself these two things;"

"One;"

" That i was going to face some ugly truths about myself and this world.  
After all, this world ain't all sunshine and flowers, Little Pumpkin."

"And two;"

"If I am going to dwell on anything..., I am going to grow stronger from it."

Ah.. grandma here is a badass-.. er- fighter..

"So, stop putting on that dumb smile when it hurts, and learn to see the world for what it is."

"The world is a mean and nasty place, and it will beat you down and keep you there permanently if you let it."

"You have to suck it up and get back up each time, keep fighting and struggling to survive."

"But know that everytime you fall, you will stand up stronger than before."

"Emotions may be crazy, but without them, life is no fun."

"If you want the rainbows and butterflies, you've got to accept the punches life throws at you."

"Ask yourself this: Roman, what do you usually do to face stress?"

I paused, thinking it over, clicking my tongue softly before nodding to my own thoughts in confirmation before responding.  
"I.. work harder, it's only fair if I do.."

"And: what do you do when you get hurt?"

"Face it.. as much as I can.."

"And most importantly.. How do you get back up again..?"

The last two questions honestly had me stumped, trying to answer the last question she asked made my mouth go dry, eyes slowly blinking as I tried to think of an answer.  
The socially acceptable answer or the truth..? 

"I.. with hope.. courage and determination.."

This granny is not as badas she sounds after all.

In this absurd and crazy world, all we can do is accept it.

To accept the absurd.

Without crumbling..

Life is going to be tough.. difficulty is the normal, but if that is so, why do we keep fighting..?

[You can answer for yourselves..]

A dark thought entered my mind..

Why not just give up..?

Why should I suffer? Why do I exist? What do I really want..?

Where are my sunshine, rainbows and butterflies..?

It seems I'm back at where I started..

A sharp pang of guilt hit me as a flashback of the old man filled my mind.

How could I forget the lessons I learned so quickly..?

Ah, of course, I will have grown each time I fell..

Now I know what to look forward to..

To be ever curious, in the physical world and emotional mind. 

Always growing..

And to appreciate the gift of life.

I smiled to myself, warm and welcoming as my heart warmed, tears glossed over as I did so.

Come to think of it..

The hospital.

A place of life and death.

Of miracles and tragedies.

Like an emotional rollercoaster.

I wonder how one can stay consistently motivated and rational.

My eyes glanced over, watching as Logan walked into the room, clothing as clean as ever with his natural stoic expression plastered over his features.  
"Hi Logan! Do you have time to talk?"

"If you wish for me to do so, how can I help you?" He asked softly, taking a seat at the chair beside my bed.

"I was wondering how you manage to stay motivated while facing life's hardships on a daily basis."

He hummed softly, glancing over me. "Are.. you concerned about me..?"

I clarified, "I'm very inspired by how amazing you are at managing emotions."

He nodded in approval.  
"Well, here's how I think;"

"We can't control everything that happens to us in this world, nor can we control how we feel. However, we can choose how we react to these.. events."

...

Interesting..

The invisible choice we have.

A mental gap between stimulus and reaction.

A moment of decision making we rarely notice.

I continue to ask, "But how do you not get overwhelmed by the suffering of the world?"

"Well.. have you ever heard of Stoicism?"

I shook my head.

"Well, here's what I think about Stoicism; the human condition is like a raging sea of emotions. The stoics seek to navigate the stormy waters with logic using reasonable expectations that are within their control.  
It is best summed up by a great stoic like this,  
Man is disturbed not by things,but by the views he takes of them."

So.. it's my own views that affect me..?

What a strange, yet reassuring, empowering idea..

The world does not have an effect on me.

I effect myself.

There is value in discovering deeper into myself.

Logan continued, clearing his voice softly as he did so, adjusting his glasses. "Early stoics compared life to being a 'dog tied to the back of a cart'."

"Sometimes we cannot control where we go."

"All we can control is how much we whine and struggle along the way."

"We have control over our minds, and that is enough.."

I solemnly nodded, sparingly small, weak smile to him. "Thank you, Logan."

● ● ●

When I lost my memory,

I felt lost, not knowing where to go.

Then, I felt the loss of someone..

I lost my motivation.

But even after that..

I did not lose control of my mind..

I did not lose myself.

And I grew from all these experiences..

I do not fear diving into the darkness I call myself anymore.. 

In fact, I look forward to meeting myself..

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this made sense, I wrote this a while back overall on my Wattpad account, but I feel like just starting fresh on here would help as well, I tried to make this fan fiction oneshot make sense as well.. it is vent just.. turned and twisted into a Fanfiction with the comfort character of mine: Roman Princey Sanders.


End file.
